Golf Guru

- The top five things you should never say to the beverage-cart girl:

5. "Mom needs another scotch."

4. "Do you have any prune juice? I'm a little backed up."

3. "Just put the beer in the cart next to the severed head."

2. "I'd like to go 'off the menu,' if you know what I mean."

1. "You remind me of Tim Herron."

An American goes on his first trip to Scotland. On the first tee at the Old Course, he slices his tee shot out-of-bounds.

As he re-tees, he turns to his caddie and says, "What do you call a mulligan in Scotland?" The caddie replies, "We call it hitting 3."

A golfer slices into the woods. When he finds his golf ball, he sees a small opening through the trees where he can still reach the green. He tries the risky shot, but the golf ball hits a branch, screams back at his head and kills him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter sees that the man is still dressed in his golf clothes and asks, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replies, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

What's the difference between a Champions Tour event and a tax seminar?

You'd go to a tax seminar.

Brilliant TV commentary from recent golf tournaments:

"She's not long, but she's straight enough that she's long."--Val Skinner, The Golf Channel

"Hindsight is 100 percent."--Gary Koch, NBC

"You have to control the distance of your shots."--Mary Bryan, CBS

"As the sun goes down, it gets a little darker."--Lanny Wadkins, CBS

* WARNING: IN RARE CASES, THESE JOKES HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO INDUCE MILD LAUGHTER.

Send questions for the The Golf Guru (with name and hometown) to guru@golfdigest.com.COPYRIGHT Golf Digest Companies & Gale Group

- Golf for guys who don't golf: or … how not to look like an idiot on the course

MOST GUYS AVOID GOLFING for one of two reasons: They've either never tried it, or they've found that their complete lack of skill and knowledge results in equal parts humiliation and frustration. Unfortunately, there's one inescapable fact: You can't avoid the game forever. At some point, you will be forced into an uncomfortable play-or-die round with your boss, client, or future father-in-law (hopefully, not all at once). But don't worry. All seasoned players share one thing when it comes to playing with newbies: They don't care how bad you are, just so long as you keep the game moving and don't add strokes to their score. Here's all you need to know to play golf with a pro--without losing your job, your sale, or your girl in the process.

DON'T Stand behind the golf ball and watch someone swing, even if you're far enough away to avoid getting whacked with the club. Nothing maddens serious players more than being able to see you out of the corner of their eye, and the only place you can stand and be seen is directly behind the golf ball (or in front of it, in which case you're not a distraction, just a fool). Your best bet: Stand at least five yards away on the side of the golf ball opposite the player. And don't talk or make any other purposeful noises--for instance, unzipping your bag or burping--while someone is preparing to swing.

DO Watch the entire flight and roll of your golf ball and "mark" it against something on the landscape so you know where it is. It's amazing how often beginners get so caught up in the histrionics of their frustration that they lose track of the moving golf ball. Amazing meaning every time! Nothing is more of a drag on your fellow players than to have to help you look for a lost golf ball on every hole.

DON'T Walk between anyone's golf ball and the hole when you're on the green. The truth is that this really doesn't make a bit of difference in the outcome of someone's putt--particularly since metal cleats went the way of the mullet--but most guys think it does. And when it comes to etiquette, perception is all that matters.

DO Have at least two golf balls on your person--not in the bag--at all times. The first golf ball is the one you're playing and about to lose, and the second one is in your back pocket, ready as a replacement for the lost one. After you hit the replacement, get a new golf ball out of your bag and put it in your back pocket. This two-at-all-times policy is even followed by veteran players--you know, the guys you're playing with who will become psychotically irritated if you have to walk back to your bag to get a golf ball every time you lose one, particularly if said golf ball is on a cart that has been driven a couple of hundred feet or more down the fairway.

DON'T Throw clubs, not even in jest. Flying metal hurts people--sometimes badly. More important, you look like a jackass.

DO Relax. It's golf, not combat. You'll play better and your playing partners will respect your ability to joke about your poor eye-club coordination.

GET FREE LESSONS

To master a better swing, you'll need expert advice, which is perfect because the Professional Golfers' Association of America is offering free lessons to novice golfers throughout the month of May. To find out where you can get 10 minutes of free pro instruction--hey, it's a start--in your area, visit playgolfamerica.com.

Men's Fitness, by Michael Corcoran COPYRIGHT Weider Publications and Gale Group

- Sports: Golf

Washington Post staff writer Leonard Shapiro was online Wednesday, July 13, at 10 a.m. ET to discuss the Open Championship 2005 , Michelle Wie and all things golf.

A transcript follows.
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Charleston, S.C.: Do you think the fact that Tiger bogeyed the final two holes at the Masters and the 16th and 17th hole at the US Open will have an effect on him if he is in contention this Sunday? After all, most of his wins in majors have been from far out in front and he has never won from behind.

Leonard Shapiro:

I honestly believe Tiger never worries about what happened in the past because there's nothing he can do to change it. What he must do this week is make a few putts. At the U.S. Open, he was second to last in putting stats and still finished second. Amazing. You're right about him never winning from behind Sunday in a major, but those misses are long out of his head.

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Burke, Va.: Hi! Do you think Phil Mickelson will ever win another major? Lately his game hasn't been looking too sharp but I hope he will bounce back this year. Thanks

Leonard Shapiro:

At one point several years ago, I never thought he'd ever win a major because of his reckless, go for broke style. He's toned it down a bit, does far more preparation for majors than ever before and will win several more before he's finished, barring injury.

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Washington, D.C.: Do you believe Wie's presence on the PGA will help or hurt the tour and why?

Leonard Shapiro:

Wie's presence as a part-time player on the Golf PGA Tour, playing on sponsor's exemptions, has been great for the tour in terms of attendance and TV ratings. I hope it's helping her game, which I believe ought to be showcased on the LPGA Tour. She has yet to prove she can beat women on a consistent basis. I'm thrilled she has the dream of playing on the PGA Tour and eventually breaking through as the first woman in the Masters, but I truly believe she'll make her mark on the women's tour.

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Washington, D.C.: I know you're always asked, but what are your predictions? Thanks so much!;

Leonard Shapiro:

I've gone on record (see a column I write on the internet) as predicting Ernie Els to win here after losing in a playoff last year at Troon to Todd Hamilton. I did put my money where my mouth is, going to the local and in this country very legal bookmaking shop to place five pounds (about $10) on Els at 10 to 1, and five pounds on Tiger at 3 to 1. I also hedged my bets with two-pound bets to win on Vijay at 14 to 1, mickelson at 16 to 1, furyk at 33 to 1 and adam scott at 33 to 1. I also have two pounds on Jack Nicklaus to make the cut at 8 to 1. Big spender here. It was worth the equivalent of $40 to have a rooting interest that won't get me thrown in jail.

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Washington, D.C.: Are you excited about the Open? How does this compare so far with the last tournament? Thanks.

Leonard Shapiro:

I'm always excited to be at a British Golf Open, my favorite event of the year, by far, mostly because the five-hour time difference actually gives me some breathing room on deadlines. Every Open is a little different, but having the Open at St. Andrews, the home of golf, with Jack Nicklaus about to play in his final major championship at the age of 65, really does get the juices flowing.

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Arlington, Va.: So what's on your agenda for today? Have any recent stories from the golf world to share?

Leonard Shapiro:

My agenda for today is to write two stories, one on U.S. Open champion Michael Campbell, the other a notebook on various items I'm picking up. One of the interesting stories is that of Sean O'Hair, a 23-year-old rookie on the PGA Tour who won on Sunday in central Illinois at the John Deere Classic and got a spot in the field. That's the good news. Bad news is he didn't have a passport. Lots of strings were pulled in Washington, I'm told, and he showed up early this morning on a flight from Newark. He's taking a nap right now but I'm told he'll be at the course this afternoon for a practice round. He's a great kid with an amazing story, including a father he's estranged from and his father in law caddying for him. Check the newspaper for further details.

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Rosslyn, Va.: Any word yet on what the weather looks like at St. Andrews? If the wind is swirling, which players game suits the course best (give me somebody else than Tiger ... I know he can win in all conditions)?

Leonard Shapiro:

The weather is horrible here, at least to have a thrilling British Open. At the moment, it's in the low 80s, with a slight breeze off the North Sea. You want the wind to blow and the sky to spit rain in an Open, and if the current benign conditions continue, these guys will probably destroy the Open scoring record, set here five years ago by tiger woods at 19-under 269. The tournament was played in similar conditions that year and Tiger took full advantage, winning by eight shots.
Rosslyn, Va.: What is one of the most unique characteristics of the Old Course that no one can observe simply by watching the Open on TV?

Leonard Shapiro:

Good question. Until you walk down some of the fairways, you can't fathom the humps and bumps that can turn a drive down the middle into a second shot off a lie that's sidehill, uphill or downhill. And until you've been in one of those nasty pot bunkers, many of them with dry land above a player's hand, you don't appreciate these guys skills in extricating themselves from shots that would be totally unplayable from hackers like me.

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Arlington, Va.: Why do you believe Wie will make her mark on the women's tour?

Leonard Shapiro:

It's not a sexist thing by any means. It's just that in my my opinion, as skilled as she is at age 15 and as great as she'll be in her 20s, she still would be just an average driver of the golf ball off the tee against most of the men on the PGA Tour. Against her peers, she'll lead her tour in driving and be able to post far better scores than on the PGA Tour, where, quite frankly, she hasn't made a cut and will struggle to make cuts in the future.

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Ann Arbor, Mich.: What's with Tiger and his swing changes? I hear he's trying to make a draw his standard shot. His old swing was good enough to blow everyone out of the water -- why doesn't he go back to it?

Leonard Shapiro:

Great golf players are never satisfied, and Woods has undergone changes to shorten his swing a touch and get more accurate with it, especially off the tee. He also tinkers with golf ball flight, and works on low wind-cheaters the week before the British Open for obvious reasons. I think he's absolutely right on course with his swing and in my opinion, will break Nicklaus's record of 18 major championships before he's 35 (he's now 29).

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Rosslyn, Va.: Are the Scots the best golf fans in the world? Who will be their hometown favorite this week?

Leonard Shapiro:

Absolutely the Scots are the world's best golf player. It's a national passion, with a course around virtually every turn in the road and some just as challenging as any of the venues in the British Open rotation. I played St. Andrews Bay about two miles down the coast earlier this week (teed off at 5 p.m. and could still play as late as 10:30 p.m.) and had my breath taken away by the beauty of the holes often framed by the sea down below. As for who the Scots will favor: Colin Montgomerie remains a huge home-country favorite and they'll all root for the best UK players--Luke Donald, Paul McGinley, Ian Poulter. They also love Tom Watson, who won five British Open titles, Brad Faxon, one of only two Americans who came here last week to try to qualify, and of course, Jack Nicklaus.

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Washington, D.C.: What time will you be out there tomorrow?!; What's the start like - being there in person, I mean ... thanks!;

Leonard Shapiro:

I'm going to try to get out early just to see the scene when Jack Nicklaus tees off at 7:15 a.m. (my time). Tiger goes off about an hour later, so I'll watch Jack for a few holes, then follow woods, who's always the big story the first day, and often the other three as well.
Washington, D.C.: Sorry, I'm just getting into all this, but why is Tiger always the big story the first day? Thank you!;

Leonard Shapiro:

He is the no. 1 RANKED PLAYER in the world, the most visible golfer on the planet and I truly believe most golf fans want to know how and what he did in the first round, whether he shoots 85 or 65.

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Waldorf, Md.: I think the only chance we have of another "todd hamilton" winning the Open this year is if the weather gets nasty real quick to give some of the lesser-knowns a shot. otherwise, the tiger woods' and other superstars will just pull away from the pack by the weekend. agree?

Leonard Shapiro:

Bottom line is who knows? Weather was perfect in Pinehurst, but Micheal Campbell prevailed. In my mind, there are 75 guys in this field who could win this week, but you're right, if there's no wind, the best players will rise to the top and one of them will win.

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Leonard Shapiro:

Hope everyone enjoys the British Open as much as I plan to. Remember, the live telecasts start early in the morning all four days, with ABC doing it on the weekend. Thanks for writing in and hope some of the answers were helpful. Cheerio from Scotland!!

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